Bereavement Hall of Shame

My blog has become morose. I don't even particularly enjoy reading it myself. So in an effort to lighten things up, I will be posting colorful pictures and such (see my earlier blog : Trip to Lake District, which has been edited to include photos from my vacation). I will also write my blog more often, because blogging gives me an enormous sense of well-being.

My main effort this month has been to try and cope with the depression and sudden bouts of anger. I think I have done remarkably well, given that I had little time and no privacy in which to grieve. I am frequently irritated, but now my irritation fosters an uncontrolled rage... something I haven't previously experienced. So for that, I have decided to go in for bereavement counseling starting next month.

Atleast some of my ire was directed at our 450 sq. ft apartment which I shared with my husband and any guests who visited. So we are now moved into a bigger place that I have completely fallen in love with. Its on 95th and Riverside, way up on the Upper West Side. Its a large 1000 sq. ft 2BR apartment. You can even contrive to have a 'view' from the bedroom window (you must lean far out so that your body is mostly out on the fire-escape. And there you have it! Lush green trees of the riverside park and an obscured view of the Hudson). Mostly though, the apartment has a lot of room and always looks clean. The tiles are new, the floors are waxed and it has built-in closets. Everything we own has found its rightful resting place and can be retrieved in under 5 minutes. This is my dream for a good home.

We can walk in the park after dinner and sit by the Hudson. There are no tourists in riverside park. I can't say that I miss Central Park at all. But I do miss the utter New York-ness of midtown west. Broadway, which is close to our new place, is no 9th avenue. There is no Afghan Kabab house or Vietnamese Pho place around the corner. People on my street have cars, SUVs even. And there are lots and lots of little kids about. All shockingly suburban signs that remind me why we moved here in the first place-- because I was beginning to hate my old apartment. But the move wasn't cheap. Between the movers, the broker fee, the security deposit and credit check, we realized that we cannot afford to move again. So here we are, at our new place, where we will live happily ever after ( for 2 to 3 years atleast).

The only other thing of note that I did this month was send out the bereavement notice and recieve a bunch of condolence messages. I learned that there is a certain art to writing condolence messages- and that I needed to learn that art. I recieved a lot of well intended mails, that made me feel worse. I read them and thought "what do you mean? how can you say that?", while in the back of my head I just knew I had used those exact same words at some time. So here is my 'bereavement hall of shame', to amuse, to educate and to remind us what NOT to say to someone in grief. (Disclaimer: This 'hall of shame' is a compilation of emails I recieved, so perhaps I should thank the contributors :-) If you are a contributer, I should probably also say I'm sorry, but I'm not. I'm actually still a little irritated with you, but as I explained earlier, I will do therapy for that. So ok, I'm sorry. I am also sorry for my caustic comments. I am very very sorry, but I will leave them all there). And now, in no particular order, may I present-

" They were too precious to be born. So God kept them"
Eh? How do you know that? Did you chat with God over dinner and some drinks? Please... I am struggling with the 'whys' and 'where are they nows', so lets not pretend to know the answer to the meaning of life!
" You will have other children ..."
Maybe. But right now I am grieving for the son and daughter I have lost.
" You are still young..."
Ok. But why does that matter? See above.
" I don't know what we would do if anything happened to XXX, she is the center of our lives"
I don't know what to say to this, or why it sounds wrong. But it makes me sad.
" I understand how you feel. I feel your pain."
No, you do not understand how I feel. And you cannot feel my pain. Be glad for it.
" Look on the brighter side..."
And which side would that be?

But irrespective of what anyone said, I appreciated the kindness and the concern. I saved some messages that I revisit when I feel low. They are often from people who were similarly impacted. And simple as they sound, they've helped me a lot.
" I am so sorry for your loss. Let me know what I can do to help"
" This must be traumatic for you. I am sorry"
" You are in our thoughts" This note from my workplace came with a bouquet of flowers.
" Congratulations!" This goof-up and a big bunch of fruits came from Animesh's place of work. It made me laugh so much. Oh well!

And this month I didn't read anything worth reviewing (I did read THE harry potter book, but I won't review that. If you like harry potter, you've read it already). But I did listen to a lot of music on my trusty ipod. I have taken to downloading songs from iTunes. Its expensive and seriously addictive. But music is supposed to be good for the soul. Specifically, my soul benefitted from-
La Paga, by Juanes (I have no idea what he is talking about, its all in spanish. But it sounds beautiful).
Parklife, by Blur. Inspiration to exercise. Rude, but effective. '...Who's that gut lord marching? you should cut down on your porklife, mate, get some exercise ...'
Philosophy and atitude, I borrowed from the Numa Numa guy. Thank you Numa Numa guy, you are the best. If you haven't seen him yet, check out: www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/numa.php

So thats it. The good and the bad, and as Calvin's dad says, 'it all builds character'. I am going away on a vacation this weekend to see the fabulous fjords of Norway. This exotic vacation is a result of us being very poor and very much in denial. Look for my next blog with colored pictures of me eating dried herring for breakfast!!